14. I FORGIVE

This is my public announcement that I forgive those who have wronged me. I forgive those who have stolen from me. I forgive those who have cheated me. It is my intention to forgive them all daily, until I feel deep in my heart, that I have fully let go of any and all negative feelings of hurt and blame, no matter how deeply embedded those feelings seem to be. I shall name no one specifically here for I do not wish to defame anyone nor attach blame deeper than I already have.

I forgive members of my family. I forgive teachers and students. I forgive those who use and abuse. I forgive those who are misguided. I forgive those who have withheld their attention and love. I forgive those who blame and judge. I forgive those who have been faithless and abandoned me. I forgive the individuals who have stolen and cheated me in business and personal transactions. I forgive those who have taught me lies as truth. And most of all, I forgive myself for being judgemental and unforgiving. And I forgive myself for holding on to things that do not serve my higher purpose, for not always doing my best and for withholding love and kindness when I could have offered it. And I forgive myself for the wrongs that I have done myself and others. I forgive my naivete, my short sightedness and my carelessness. I forgive my poor stewardship and any acts of omission or comission that I may not be conscious of. I pray for guidance to be fully aware of my thoughts, speech and action so that I do not fall prey to these mistakes any further. It is my great desire to become all that I can be and to lift others up and inspire others as well, for we are all in this together. We are all one in One. So Mote It Be Victoria

13. IS IT TOO LITTLE TOO LATE?

So yesterday, I put in a full day's work, in training and orientation at the new retail job. It looks as though I may get as many as three days of work per week. However, My first check will be in three weeks and it will only be for one day of pay. In the mean time, the dogs and I are running out of food. I have less than a half tank of gas, and three payments will be taken from my account on October first, totaling $325 and I only have $173 in my account. I sold my wedding rings the other day and stuffed that cash directly in the account. I tried to sell the diamond too, but someone tried to cheat me out of it today telling me it's not a real diamond when I have papers in my hand from appraisers telling me it is indeed a very good diamond. I have more books to sell too, but am not sure where to take them to find a buyer. Also, some other loose gem stones. I appreciate my readers, but really wish they could spare me a couple of moments each week to take a look at the vendors that support my postings so that I could get some funding through this venue. I would also appreciate suggestions on additional postings on this and my other blogs as well. I plan on inputting a few more book reviews quite soon. I realized I have not yet reviewed all the wonderful things I'd love to share with those of you who enjoy reading. Back to the new job. It's a big store and the vast and varied inventory is pretty intimidating, when I am told I have to learn all the features of each item. I am also told that there are a number of high-roller customers that spend as much as 10 to 25 thousand dollars at a time in this store, which is located in a pretty swanky area of northern Fort Lauderdale, just two miles inland and surrounded by some other fine establishments that attract people who still have money to spend and spend it freely. So anyway, my $173 in the bank will cover my insurance payment and my amex bill but what of my storage fee? I am trying, bit by bit to eliminate some of the things that I really don't need to keep (even though I already eliminated hundreds of things before returning to Florida.) The problem is that each time I go there, I can only do so much because many of the things that are stacked up making it impossible to get to other things, are too heavy for me to even budge. Once I am able to cut my volume of stuff by about fifty percent, I should be able to get a much smaller unit and save some money that way. But if I could use the garage here at the house, as I was told I could do, I could save all that money and wind up saving some to get a small place of my own, as well as pay old bills that are sitting in a corner collecting more and more interest and penalty fees.

So I would like comments from others who may have job and money difficulties too, and maybe from some who have found solutions... I hold fast to my strong belief that the Universe is full of plenty of provision for everyone to have all they need every moment. I hereby go on public record: I open my mind and heart to receive all the blessings that Great Spirit bestows upon me and to witness that beneficence throughout creation. As I breathe in deeply, I accept all good. As I exhale, I release all that no longer serves. I know that no matter how dim the mortal picture may appear, the bright white light of Great Spirit continues to shine. All is in Divine and Perfect order. All is well. In gratitude for all blessings, and with love and praise to our Creator, So Mote It Be. Victoria

12. A LITTLE WORK

Time has slipped by. I have gone almost nowhere since the last post, in order to save gas. Tomorrow morning I go in at 9AM for orientation. This is the little parttime job at the big retail store I mentioned before. This means I will get a schedule, put in a full eight hours, and begin to look forward to a meagre check in about three weeks' time. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping to stay in the bank account black until then. I don't seem to have any wealthy friends or relatives I could borrow a hundred bucks from to tide me over until then. How fondly I look back on the days when I operated the 'Bank of Vic' and was blessed to be able to make small loans to friends and family. There will come a time once more, when my generosity can be expressed again, as well as offering a helping hand to others in positions such as this. In the mean time, I am taking unabashed advantage of any freebies I come across. It is too far to drive to the Meals on Wheels program right now when I have no extra driving money. For the price of the gallon of gas it would take to get there and back, I could walk to BK and get a Jr. Whopper and fries. The on-line job search through the WorkForce One program is not working out well due to technical difficulties. Due to the gasoline situation, I have not been back to their office to participate in any of the networking opportunities. That will have to wait until the little parttime job gets me some gas money. All of these little issues are challenges to test my abilities at good stewardship. Temptations continue to abound, and determining which, if any I can allow myself to succumb to is the big decsion on a daily basis. Remembering each day, if only for a few moments, that our Universe is infinite and filled with infinite blessings for all is a task, a duty, and a healing release. Good abounds. Availing ourselves of all that Great Spirit provides is only a challenge because we forget how powerful our thoughts and words are. How many of our thoughts each day are spent on negativity? Impatience affirms belief in limitation. Anger affirms a lack of harmony. Whining affirms a sense of vicitmization. If you look to the right hand side of this page, you will see that I have placed St. Francis' Prayer for Peace in the margin. This is a good reminder of some of the things which we are able to do to lighten the load for ourselves as we do so for others. Living a life of prayer, so long as it is prayer of positive blessing and affirmation leads to manifestation of good. It really does work. Sometimes there seems to be a big pile of stuff keeping us from our task of manifesting good for ourselves and others, doesn't there? I guess its a little like yard work or housecleaning. We might not think its a lot of fun, and there are always other things to do instead, but once we do it, we feel so much better, and so does everyone around us.

11. A COUPLE OF INTERESTING DEVELOPMENTS

Well these past several days have been a bit of a whirl wind of activity. I received a call from my neighbor just as I was leaving the house on Monday, heading for my photo shoot. She told me that a place called __ ___store dealing in crafts and household goods had posted a large sign on their window saying they were hiring. And so, I packed up piles of recommended stuff for my photo shoot, and got there just in time. What a facinating and enjoyable experience I had! After organizing my stuff, which consisted of five clothing and prop changes, plus four extras just in case the photographer disapproved of one of the others, the make-up artist was ready for me. As I watched her work, I learned a great deal about make-up that I had either not known or had forgotten. Bottom line: make-up feels icky, but it can really make your eyes more vivid! She explained though that she was applying a great deal more than anyone would normally wear, simply for the sake of the camera. The photo shoot was great. I was so grateful that my BFF had shown me poses that might be required and made me practice the night before. I thought the poses I learned when I was eighteen, for the Miss America subsidiary pagaent would be sufficient. I was mistaken. So much more was required, acrobatically speaking. We Skyped my other outfits so that I could get her professional input. Also, my dear sweet friend, who is in similar financial straits as I, insisted upon buying me an outfit for the shoot. I am so grateful. It was a hit with the photographer, looked great in the mirror, and I look forward to seeing all of the proofs on Friday morning. So after the photo shoot, I stopped by that store I was told of to see about their application process. As is typical these days, you ask for an application, and they give you a web address. As I was looking over the store to see if it would be a fun place to work (it would be), my phone rang. It was a company I had applied to some time back. They asked me to come in on Wednesday. I did, and was told to show up for orientation in eight days. This will only be a little parttime job, but it is with a good company and is less than ten miles away. It will keep things spinning until the real deal comes along, and I will still have plenty of time to pursue additional job hunting activities and to keep writing. Let's see how all this goes. Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm sort of holding my breath about those proofs. I've never been comfortable on the front end of a camera... But what the heck, if I didn't do this, I would always wonder if I'd missed something.

10. TODAY'S JOB MARKET

Okay, I am sixty-one years old. Not ancient, but not a youngster either. As most of the rest of you in my readership, I did not grow up with anything more technical than a clunk-style TV with four to six channels and a rotary dial phone. That was it! And BTW, the telephone belonged to the phone company and the bill my folks paid included a few cents a month for rent on the device. I can still hear the sound it made as you dialed a number. Can't describe it, but I remember what it sounded like. Of those sixty-one years, I have been gainfully employed for forty-two years.  I've done a lot of different things, ranging from soda jerk to lane sweeper, insurance investigator, librarian, retail clerk, cashier, newspaper journalist, copy editor, bookkeeper, transcriptionist, chicken farmer, administrative assistant, resume developer, qualitative chemist, inventory specialist, minister, tutor, bookseller, budget developer, foundation and grant administrator and research investigator. Those are just the ones that come to mind at the moment.
Today, finding a shoe that fits is far more difficult than I would have expected.
The job listings I find on the web sites for employment agencies include many things I have never heard of.
The industries represented are banking, real estate, investing, internet technicians, technical designers, long haul drivers (semi trailers) riggers, fellers, mechanics, automotive specialists, auto sales, account technicians, construction workers and administrators and on and on. Seems that available jobs run from industrial to medical and pharmaceutical to technical.
Some of them are so bogus you really have to be careful:

9. IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...

I think I mentioned earlier in a post, something about not affirming the negative situation. I believe that strongly. Why is this post called 'It Was a Dark and Stormy Night?'
I think the cliche represents something we tend to fear but that really has no power to hurt us.
The toughest part of following through on not affirming the negative is when a collection agent calls. I have not fully figured out how to avoid telling them about no income, no job, no place of my own to live in and all that happy happy joy joy stuff. They want to know when they will get money.
That's what I want to know also! When will I get money?
Believe me when I say I want to pay off all my debts! I do not want to skate out from under them. I believe it is important to take care of these responsibilities. Survival comes first though!
Priorities have to be shelter, food, gasoline, auto insurance, auto maintenance, and cell phone. Without taking care of those basic responsibilities first, the other stuff will remain impossible to manage.
So I am working on other ways to deal with those phone calls.
Here are a couple of techniques I am working on:
Taking charge of the conversation thusly:
"What was that? Who did you say you are with? uh huh. Well, I can empathize with you. I once had a telemarketers' job and I know how very dreadful that can be. We all have to do whatever we can to put food on the table. So that's exactly what I'm trying to do too. As you look for a position so you can get out of that terrible job of yours, I'm looking for a job too. I have vast experience, but well, you know how it goes sometimes. Just looking for the right one to come along can take some time. So I'll call you as soon as I can, once I get a new position and can start paying my bills off. Thanks for calling. Good luck to you and have a nice day." CLICK
I did not let them get a word in edgewise after finding out who they are. I did not affirm anything negative. Most times they are not looking for a job because they are well-paid and actually like what they do. But since I have taken control of the conversation, they really do not have a chance to do their deed. And the call is recorded and I come off sounding as concerned and interested in paying as possible without being cajoled into one of their 'plans to help me' which means making me commit to oh, say $325 a month at 12% instead of $162 per month at 30%. They always have the oddest idea of what help means. 
Another way is to avoid them by not admitting to being me. But that is dishonest and I will not do that. I have, but no more.
Once I identify them, I save their number with a special quiet ring tone so I just do not answer. That means I have a lot of voice mail to deal with, but that takes less personal energy than conversing. This does not always work because certain companies use assorted numbers to make those calls.
When income is currently non-existent, there is no way you can commit to any amount per month, and if you do, that will just create some pretty horrific problems with your bank. If you are like me, you will want to maintain a good relationship with your bank and even obtain a personal banker with whom you can consult and share information and obtain needed specials as they come along.
Mine will change the type of accounts I have as needed to maintain a fee-free account structure regardless of my minimum balance, even if it is only ten dollars or so. 
Secondarily, you might actually engage a collector in a personal conversation, laying it on the line, and in so doing, find out that they are actually undergoing the same thing, or have just done so. This has happened twice: the result being that the caller and I promised to pray for each other. You really have to have a feel for this, and use your gut instincts to gauge the appropriateness of this with a specific caller.
It would go something like this:
"Yes, I understand I am in arrears. I apologize for that. But let me ask you this: Have you ever been unemployed? Were you ever in a position where you were foreclosed on and became jobless, divorced and ...(fill in the blank)?"
"Mmmm, oh yes, that is dreadful. and you have little kids too? Oh bless you. Well, at least you have a job now. I'm still looking. Trust me though. As soon as I am able, I will begin making payments again because I really look forward to paying this off. Hope things continue to look up for you. Good bye." CLICK
Again you have assumed most of the control, but have engaged the caller in empathy and allowed them the opportunity to be human.
I have fallen to a reactionary level of resentment and fear of bill collectors and it is difficult to overcome that. They are only people, not demons. They have a hideous job to do, whether they like it or not, and it certainly isn't giving them any positive karma!
Even though the energy passing through the phone line is negative-feeling, and it can often create nightmares and changes in blood pressure and feelings of pain or nausea in your mid-section, you can block that.
Make a concerted effort to perform some or all of the following techniques:
Make a regular habit of spiritually cleansing yourself of negativity (see side bar articles)
Engage your spiritual senses with visualization (see side bar)
Bless your phone and mail box and front door (again with the side bars)
Remember that the callers, whatever their purpose, are actually created by Great Spirit too and are, in their true identity, good, honest, loving and perfect individuals, even if they appear to be mean and nasty. Bless them. Even if you don't want to. Bless them anyway.
Give gratitude each day for all the blessings you have ever received. Make lists.
This is a part of the process we need to put into practice in order to crawl out of the cracks we have slipped into.
I remember the story of the evil farmer who decided to get rid of his donkey that he felt did not do enough work. He threw the donkey down a well. Then set out to bury the donkey. He threw down shovels full of dirt to bury the donkey alive in the well. With each bunch of dirt that fell on it , the donkey shook it off and stepped on the dirt. As the dirt accumulated, the donkey rose higher and higher in the well until he was able to step out onto the surface again. He shook himself off one final time, covering the farmer with the dirt, snorted (as only donkeys can do) and walked off down the road to freedom and a new life.
I think the donkey made an ass of the farmer.

8. SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT

Came to a realization this morning.
Remember, yesterday I spent a bunch of time talking to different agencies and scanning websites for potential recourse to these problems of unemployment and no income and my job hunting issues?
Well, what I realized is that I'm really, really good at slipping through the cracks! I don't even qualify to be a statistic as statistics are compiled in this country.
1. I couldn't get unemployment compensation before because they say I "voluntarily quit my Tennessee job." From my POV, it was not voluntary. I had to leave since I had no place to live. That is definitely not voluntary.
Now I cannot get UC because I have not worked six consecutive months in one position. Well, I sure wanted to do so! So there are two cracks I stumbled into.

Badoompum.
Depicted here is a typical crack in masonry to illustrate my point. These cracks diminish the stability of any structure and allow an infiltration of all sorts of things you do not want to welcome into your life. For instance: cold air, bugs, vermin, and moisture. In this case it is metaphorical and I refer of course to falling between eligibility standards to receive the aid from organizations I have paid into for my entire working life.<br />
2. I was not able to get an EBT card  (Food Stamps) before since the telemarketer job did not report income and did not issue pay stubs so I could not prove that I was only making $8 x 4 days per week x 4 hr shifts per day = $128 per week maximum, minus the hours when everyone or select staff were sent home early or asked not to come in at all because production was slow.
3. I tried the Meals on Wheels program. The only wheels involved are one's own. You have to go to an old folks' home to get your plate. The value of the food was less than the value of gas it took me to get there. And frankly, although they mean well, I'm not ready for overcooked green beans and jello as a steady diet.
4. I'm exploring this further, but it seems as though my disability does not really qualify me for anything since it is an intermittent problem and not a 24/7 situation.
5. Thirty-five years married to a disabled and PTSD disturbed vet does not count for anything if he divorces you and replaces you with a younger model.
Five cracks makes for a pretty bumpy ride.
Badoombum
Now I need five positive ideas to overcome these difficulties.
A. I know that everything is in Divine and Perfect Order. That I do not see and experience this now is what needs to be healed.
B. I know that Creation... the Universe... is infinite and is filled with possibilities.
C. I know that the adamantine particles of which the Universe is made are spiritual, infinite, ever appearing and plastic or moldable into whatever is needed.
D. I know that Creator, Great Spirit, God is good: infinite, omnipresent, omniscient and all-powerful being who is infinite Love and who cares for each particle of creation equally.
E. I know that, as God's creation, I am able to avail myself of the abundance of this magnificence.
Well, there are five counter facts.
And here is a bonus fact for today:
F. I know that I will be able to utilize my strengths in a manner that will allow me to help others and that will bring me a fair income.

Upcoming: Bill Collectors; Today's Job Market; Job Applications; Personal Stewardship; Attitude and Motivation; and more

7. Discovering Some Potential

From way back in the days during the marriage from which I am now freed, we once had enough money from an inheritance to actually be invested. Many poorly informed decisions decreased its value over time. Nevertheless, we had a lovely investment counselor at the bank who had become someone to share personal stories with and laugh together over family quirks. It has never become the type of friendship that means going out for coffee and muffins or any other type of socializing, yet, I value her and stopped in to see her one day last week.
We caught up with much of the pertinent chapters in our respective stories,and in so doing, she confided that her husband had endured several layoffs in recent years.
He had obtained significant help from an agency called

6. The Perfect Job --- Not

And so, I did take that library job at that big school. It really could have been perfect for me.
But it wasn't.
Turns out it was just the wrong fit.
I worked my way through Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa back in the early seventies and enjoyed it thoroughly. In fact, it was one of the high points of my four years there.
Down through the years, I was often told that I looked like a librarian, that or a sixth grade teacher.  I guess it's my bearing or something. I remember in a junior high function we did a 'night out' in the 'Old West' and I was chosen to be the 'dance hall proprietor' supposedly modeled after Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke. Well, although I can blame my mother since she was in charge of my clothes as a kid, I wound up looking like the school marm. Nothing sexy or provocative about

5. Day By Day, the Hits Just Keep Coming

The ongoing  and seeming never-ending mess with trying to avoid the foreclosure, trying to provide everything needed for a short sale, struggling with day to day expenses, closing the credit cards, trying to keep minimum payments current, taking care of the dogs, with continually failing health, by golly I was having just a wonderful time in Nashville!
The silver linings in all of this consist of the following:
My Tennessee girlfriend and I reconciled our friendship, and I was blessed to make friends with the two kindest and most thoughtful gentlemen I have ever known. In keeping with my practice of not naming names in this journal,  I do hope that they will recognize themselves in this and know how very deeply I am grateful to them and value their friendships. Their support and hard work in helping me get ready to vacate my house will always be one of my heart's finest of treasures.
And so, as previously mentioned, the foreclosure department at the bank decided that the short sale department and their processing of the offer was simply holding them up and they over-rode all of that hard work