UN-EMPLOYMENT AND JOB HUNTING AFTER SIXTY: 4. NOT SURE WHERE THE BOTTOM IS

Friday, August 31, 2012

4. NOT SURE WHERE THE BOTTOM IS

The abject heartache, the depression that moved in and settled over my consciousness, the self condemnation together were enough to make me consider takng a long walk into the lake, and since I never learned to swim, I felt this would be an effective way to end all of these ongoing troubles.

At one point, I woke up, not knowing where I was. My tongue was throbbing in pain. I had nearly bitten off the end of it. It was blackened and I could barely speak. I found I had emptied my bladder all over myself. Worse than that, I knew
that I had had a very bad seizure in the night, and I lost track of reality, I'm having some trouble describing the worst of it. It was the feeling that during the night I had simply ceased to exist. It was a dark blot of nothingness in my mind. Like being nowhere, sensing nothing and not even existing. Strangely, not exisiting in this sense is contradictory because it was a feeling of not existing, which implies someone has the ability to feel or sense nothingness. But this was an awareness after the fact, that I did not exist. It persisted. I felt there was no point in going on because there was nothing. Nothing here or hereafter, just darkness and non-existence.

This was definitely a Dark Night of the Soul. I had lost my faith. My faith had always been everything to me. I had trusted that I was making right decisions, that Divine Spirit would not let me make wrong choices, and since all my choices had proven to be wrong in my eyes, then, what was there to have faith in?

This experience dragged on for months and the only things that kept me from that walk into the lake were my dogs who were solely dependent upon me. I knew that if I were dead, my ex-husband would give them to a shelter or put them to sleep since he was now so into the cats that his new wife brought into their marriage

I was seriously under-employed, I was losing my house, I had lost my marriage and my home in Florida, was separated from my dearest friends and the man who had been my obsession, I was separated from family. I was out of touch with my Tennessee girlfriend due to a misunderstanding. My job made me miserable, I was in constant physical orthopedic pain. Insurance did not cover chiropractors, I had left behind the world's best massage therapist in Florida.

Literally, I felt as though I had been chewed up and spit out by this life. I now understood what depression is and found great empathy and compassion for those who suffer with it and with other mental disorders.

Well, that and a hundred dollar bill would not get me out of this miasma. What would?

I had lost my sense of spirituality, my power was gone, I was empty.

Throughout my lifetime I enjoyed a number of spiritual healings through metaphysical divine science, as well as spiritually supported healings and deep and wonderful moments of divine experience through shamanic journeying, meditation, prayer and study.

I had to force myself. Quite literally, to take up again the study and the search to find my lost faith. With that dark cloud of nothingness hanging over my head, I strapped on my big girl panties and dove in. Not into the lake, but into my notes, my books and my heart, swiping aside the pain, I reminded myself each day what Jesus told his disciples just prior to his ascension: "...And these things shall they do who believe on my name: they shall cast out demons; they shall speak with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover. And greater works than these shall they do..."

As an ordained minister, a certified spiritual healer, a hypnotherapist, a student of shamanic healing and animal communication, a channeler(sometimes) and a student of divine metaphysics and alchemy, I've got tools to help myself and others. What is it that has held me back from effective use of these tools? Why am I not immune to all of these troubles? Well, wouldn't that just be ducky?

Why? Because its sometimes important to hit bottom first... to experience a few dark nights of the soul to gain the compassion and deep understanding that are the grounding points from which can spring effective spiritual work.

And so, I keep going, plodding painfully much of the time, but looking ahead, not for the future, but for the next step.

2 comments:

UnknownSeptember 9, 2012 at 5:09 PM
And yet you seem incapable of taking a single step that takes you out of arm's reach of your spiritual nature. Sometimes we have to turn around to see what's ahead of us.
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Victoria LeaOctober 15, 2012 at 8:29 AM
Thank you for your encouragement.
I do struggle though, with maintaining my grasp and with consequences of previous errors.
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Your Phone, Your Mail Boxes, and Your Front Door

The things that arrive via your phone your email in box, your mail box and your front door often reflect your fears or rather, they can manifest your fears by bringing what you do not want into your life.
Fearing something puts a negative charge on it and that, by the law of attraction, simply encourages the manifestation of that which we do not want.
There is only one way that I know of to curtail the influx of disturbing demands, and that is to bless.
Let me be clear: we are not trying to make bills just 'go away' because, if we have incurred a debt, it is our responsibility to pay it.
The goal here is to eliminate the fear, and thus decrease the negative affects of greed and avaricious companies and bill collectors. Ads often inspire fear even as they purport to offer help. They can confuse the issue and thus confuse you as well. Receiving literally dozens of letters promising help to clear up your debts is every bit as negative as the collection notices themselves. Focusing this much attention on the debt embeds it deeper into your consciousness and thus makes an ever bigger and bigger spider's web of it. Once ensnared, the idea is to imprison you for life, paying and paying more and more and this is the very definition of usury.
The misery of usury is that despite its being prohibited by the Bible, it is legal in this country, so long as the userers are corporations. This is legalized criminalization of our economic system.
This is a big deal, but is it too big to get out from under it?
No. The way to get out from beneath a collapsing structure is to go deep. Tunneling out of an avalanche means taking care of one small step at a time.
What does this have to do with your phone or mail box? Have I gone off the deep end? Not really, not wacko. But yes, I am going deep. Deep into cause and effect; deep into truth and error; deep into right and wrong; deep into what to do and what not to do.
Cleanse
Bless
Pray
Repeat

CLEANSE, BLESS, PRAY, REPEAT

What to cleanse and how to cleanse and why.
Why first:
We cleanse to remove residue. We cleanse our bodies and our clothes, house, dishes, we bathe our dogs, scoop out the kitty litter, and wash our cars, all to remove residue. If we don't, we stink, things get germy, paint deteriorates and we are looked upon in a negative light by others. We feel better clean!
Have you ever washed your mailbox? Have you ever cleansed your phone?
We receive no benefit from ignoring these things, nor are we blessed by simply boarding up our doors and windows and not picking up our mail, voice mail, etc. that only makes the burden greater.
Step one: Using a Q-tip and a single drop of window cleaner or the stuff you clean your eye glasses with, clean the surfaces of your phone.
While you do this, envision only truth and love and blessings flowing through the device... both ways- to you and from you.
I love the Archangels. My dearest friend has taught me to work with Archangels to help me with assorted matters. So here I am going to recommend to you to call upon Archangel Michael to place a globe of white light over your phone so that it is and will remain an instrument of useful blessing, to ward it from anything that does not bless. to seal it with good intentions. So Mote It Be.
You might do the same with your laptop, tablet or whatever other electronic devices you use to interface with the world.
The most effective way to do this process I have just described, is to sit down with it, with everything lined up before you. I like to safely light a candle to aid in my focus. I would call upon the Archangel first, to stand by me and remove all that is unlike good, then I would cleanse with the cleaner, and at the same time ask that the item be cleansed of any negative residues and so forth, as stated above.
Bless the phone, the laptop, or whatever. Express gratitude for its service. Ask for Angelic guidance in its use.
Pray that all who call you or that you call are blessed by the communication and in their lives in general.
Pray too, that you remember to always use these things in a manner that is honest and that will bless others as well as yourself.
Repeat with each item of communication that you use. And also repeat, or actually renew this process from time to time to refresh it in your mind and thus gain the benefit of this positive input and focus.

SAINT FRANCIS PRAYER FOR PEACE

LORD, make me an instrument of Thy peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The Concept of Enough

Here are a few references that discuss the concept of Enough:
Enough is Enough by Jane Straus
An illuminating look at what and why we endure and think it is a virtue . How endurance differs from perseverance and how to choose the better life of living our extraordinary lives, fulfilling our dreams and enriching our spirits.
When Enough is Enough by Candy and Sean Finnigan Refers to intervention into addictive behavior .
Enough Already!: Clear the Emotional and Mental Clutter to Create the Life You Want by Peter Walsh Discusses multiple aspects of clearing out our lives so that we can live with less trouble, less distraction and more engagement in life.
When Is Enough, Enough?: What You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied by Mitch Meyerson and Laurie Ashner Just go to Amazon.com and read the table of contents of this book and you will see why it is a good choice in simplifying and thus improving the quality of your life here and now.

A Life of Being, Having, and Doing Enough by Wayne Muller
"...wise and compassionate book... recognize and receive what we already have... offers refuge, renewal and peace..." from comments by Rachel N. Remen, MD.
The Blessing of Enough by Shmuley Boteach, tells how rejecting materialism and greed allows one to embrace spirit and fill the soul, conquering unrequited hungers.
Miscellaneous Writings by Mary Baker Eddy, on page 307 addresses specifically what is enough and covers the multitude of human issues in a few lines.
There are many other books written about various aspects of Enough-ness. These few selections promise to offer you a good look at how enough can give your life all you could ever need and the peace that comes with the lightening of burdens.

MORE TIME

ANOTHER MOMENT OF YOUR TIME
Or
FURTHER NOTES ON THE CONCEPT OF TIME

And that’s really all it is and that was where I was heading before I got off on the saucepan binge on the Time Blog Entry I posted last night.
Like money, time is a human invention used to judge and measure and to break into bits (think bites, bits, pixels) our daily experience.
Unlimited spiritual reality declares the Eternal Now, wherein our Higher Selves already reside with the Angels.
When we feel as though we do not have enough time, falling back to punt (metaphorically speaking) is an appropriate response.
When faced with such a situation, I have had great success using a rubber band. “What?” you exclaim. Understandably so. “Has this woman gone ‘round the bend?” Well, yes, several times. My alchemical work has shown me clearly what we need to keep in mind: That as a concept, an invention, time is malleable. It can be stretched or shrunken to suit the need or dilemma. But to do so, requires attention and focus. The rubber band, or even a hair scrunchie stretched over your fingers and repeatedly flexed and relaxed to the rhythmic repetition of something like, ‘Stretch time, stretch time. Get a lot done in a small amount of time (or drive a lot of miles in a small amount of time).’ There is no speeding necessary. It works with correct focus. It has worked for me countless times.
On the other hand, to shrink time, the best way is to focus on something else. I like to lose myself in a good book or in writing and suddenly, the clock has turned. The object is to not pace and not fret, but to turn to another focus such as a beloved activity or to meditation. Go within. Get to know yourself better.
Somehow or other, this all coincides with Einstein’s relativity thing. But it is putting it into practical daily use for the real person. Give it a try!
Luv Ya!
Vic

UN-EMPLOYMENT AND JOB HUNTING AFTER SIXTY

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Friday, August 31, 2012

4. NOT SURE WHERE THE BOTTOM IS

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Friday, August 31, 2012

4. NOT SURE WHERE THE BOTTOM IS

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